first blog in a while

was actually a decent day. Woke up at seven to go over to Mina's. Stupid FBLA Rose Parade float! I've been averaging about five hours of sleep daily. So much for winter break. Anyway, at the Rose Parade thing, this security guard stopped us and demanded to know why we didn't have a pass, then eyed us suspiciously as if we were planning to burn the place down or something. Thank lord, Lucy finally came and rescued us from that rent-a-cop. If that wasn't enough the City of Hope float we were working on came with a short, fat hick that kept screaming orders at us. That asshole accused me of talking when I sneezed. We were assigned to "decorte" the float which, in short, meant that Stephany&I had to squat/go on our knees and pin evergreen branches while Carmina had to gather pile of plants and cut them up for us. And if that wasn't enough, the stupid hick kept shouting at us telling us to make it "fluffy" and "glossy" while another lady told us we had to pin them in this specific direction. How fun. "Ironically" as Stephany&Mina noticed, all the Caucasians got to go up and stick flower petals while the minority groups got stuck with all the manual labor. Coincidence? I think not. After all this was done, I went to Mina's house and we had lots of bipolar fun full of music, looking at pictures, and wet pants. All that myspacing depressed the hell out of me, I spilled Pepsi everywhere and my pants were sticky, wet, and gross, we looked at people, and then we listened to lots of music and discussed everything from Sound of Music to Andrew de Torres. So yes.

Deds:
1. We had so much fun today! How was I bipolar?! Sorry aboyt the Pepsi stains! Ahahaha!
2. You always say what I'm secretly thinking inside. I don't know whether I hate you or love you.
3. You guys depress me.
4. I don't know what to think about you.
5. I hate you people. No. Actually I don't hate. I just merely dislike you guys.
Hey Carmina, I think I may be in love with Guy Ripley nowx]

Well, it's a fact: I sure won't be getting an A in english. I lost my courage notebook and I can't find my freaking ISN and tommorow is the big ISN check. I'll be lucky to have a B. I hate school but I wish it wasn't holiday break yet. Weird, no?

i have

never been more uninspired. And I don't even have a prosaic mind to make it up for it.

Halloween music in December. With some MK on the side

There are times when I just cannot stand my so-called sister. Like right now for instance. I know siblings fight and all but sometimes I can't help but to think that we have the most pointless arguments. Actually, the arguments aren't like normal ones; they don't start because of our different opinions, except for that one bloody one a long time ago. No. We annoy each other, tisk at each other, toss back some insults, bang things (not me of course), and then I get threatened and we yank at each others hair and then ow ow ow. Joy. Tommorow is freaking Interact at some school and I need to wake up at 6:00am. I never get to sleep in anymore. Only brightside: mint hot cocoa at Mina's in the morning. :] Anyway, I'm listening to This is Halloween nonstop and I have to admit: Marilyn Manson does a good job with it. Much better than the other bands. Another thing, I was listening to Micheal Jackson's Beat It and oi! Fall out Boy made a cover. I don't know how I feel about it.
Daily Deds:
1. Jesus Christ woman. Sheesh.
2. I don't know whether to feel sorry for you or to smack you silly.
3. Yes.
4. Shrill bitch. I don't understand why people like you so darn much.
5. I need to be nicer to you.
6. Well, sorry for my so-called lack of eesteem. What should I do then? Self-help for Dummies?

I think I'm going to try out for Paris Hilton My New BFF

What's the point in having a forced conversation?

There's really no point in that. It just amazes me that no matter how many years you knew someone, there's still some type of forced fakeness when you guys talk. Why is that? Because we live in, as Ms. Mac likes to call it, Walnut World? It's ironic how a supposedly overly-active extrovert can act like a crack whore addict with other people and act like a hungover I'm-too-tired-to-talk fucktard around me. How is it that you could read a friend's article and completely miss out on your other supposed "friend's" thing when they're right fucking next to each other. The ADD/I'm tired/I'm stressed/I'm dealing with shit excuses are really starting to wear thin. Specially the ADD one. It seems like you can't have one conversation with anyone without them busting out the "I have ADD. I can no longer carry out this talk." Heh. I have ADD too but I can at least pretend to be intrested in what someone has to say. Is every just this rude or is only because I know some of the shittiest people alive?

Daily Deds
1. Fuck you. Fuck you and all your shallow pathetic, supposedly important things.
2. Wow. You seriously do not know how fucking mad you make me. You don't understand how hurtful the things you say to me are. I used to think you were one of the nicest people around. Now? Now I just think you're some lameass attention whore who I have given up hope in.
3. Fucking hypocritical bitch. Shut it. I don't tell you to shut your trap. And you have such a shrill voice. See what I get for trying to be nice.
4. Wow. You really are there for me. Heh.
5. Dear Jesus, I never know what you're thinking. Or if it's good or bad. Can't you just tell me something for a change.
6. Remembering the old times. What ever happened to those times?
7. You're still cool. You're still cute. If only I could see you more.
8. God, you're not some fucking French person. Stop changing your words.

Question of the day: How many times could your self-esteem be damanged in a day? A whole fucking lot.
How many times could you mother piss the living hell out of you: Even more times that you've been annoyed at what's-their-face.

Wow. I practically finished all my homeword. Cept math. But whatever. Improvement! It's still improvement! If only my mom would stop being such a bitch.

School is depressing. And boring. And home isn't any better either.

too much anger and hatred for a walnuter

Well, this is the first blog I had since...a very long time. And it's not pretty.

Deds:
1. Jesus Christ, and I thought we had a budding closeness. Well, not anymore. And I thought I said hurtful things. You just don't really seem to care. Well darling dear I don't really care either.
2. I don't know why you bother sitting there, pretending to listen when we both know you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. But, no, just sit there, make hmming noises to pretend your thinking, while in reality you're just doing whatever you do.
3. Holy jimminy crickets.
4. How can someone like you be so manipulative?
5. Heh. Some friends. I must be a very cursed person to be labled as the "friend" with you guys.
6. I fucking hate you so much sometimes. Big fucking hypocrite. I love the way you change your words once they come back to bite you in the ass.
7. Thanks. Fisherman shoes? Heh. Don't worry. That wasn't the worst one out there.

Feeling fresh and clean after a hot shower. I watched Scapin tonight; the play itself was a bit cheesy, but it was pretty funny and the acting was nice. If only life could be resolved in a happy omg-i-wanted-to-marry-you-all-this-time, wow-i-finally-found-you-after-all-these-years, i-forgive-you-now-let's-eat sort of way. Anyway, I'm happy that after all these years Clyde&I are finally getting closer, though once other people are here it's the total get-outta-my-face-kid routine that is so popular among older siblings. I've been meaning to put in a lot of my thoughts over these past few days in which I haven't been blogging, but this killer headache is putting a halt to my thoughts. The weird thing about today was there was this period of time when I felt like I was on a sugar high or something, though I hadn't consumed that much to begin with. Even mother dear questioned, "Did you accidentally switch the whiskey with the root beer?" Anyway, so now it feels like my skull is being jackhammered by little invisible people with mini metal mallets. Urghh.

Weekly Writings

1. Aha. Am I bothering you with the surplus of phone calls? I know you're not really a phone person, but it's nice chatting to someone about pointless things people with time on their hands disuss.

2. Honestly. I don't know what to do with you. Frankly, I don't really want to be associated with you, but due to overlapping friend circles (if you could even call mine a circle)we're forced together. You're smiles seem so tight, you're lips like a pair of rusted metal springs an overworked mechanic doesn't feel like changing. We should stop before the coils snap into tarnished splintered shavings because we know that that overworked mechanic won't sit down and grease them back to their shiny silver glory.

3. You're just as fake. Being with you is as awkward as being forced to dine with a bunch of people you don't know, stuffed into an uncomfortable rayon Queen Elizabeth costume while everyone else if dressed Rat Pack city-slick. Just stop. Anyone can see through those glossy lips.

After I post this, I'm going to heat up some chicken alfredo pasta, pour myself a tall glass of root beer, and boil myself in a vat of water.

Wow. Today was, dare I say, okay. Really. First time I've said that in ages. Woke up earlier than I wanted to so Car&I could enjoy a nice breakfast at Millie's with Ann, Phill, Trish, and Steph. Two downsides, though. In fear of being late, I scarfed down like half of my waffle, which turned out to be a big mistake because it was served with a lovely sidedish of cramps. The other downside was we had to walk back to school, and the rest of the bouncy balls of energy walked so freaking fast I had to trot to keep up, which is very annoying when your caramel machiatto keeps spilling. On the bright side, chapter 6 is actually pretty easy (for know) which is a nice break. I gave my waffles to this girl and other ungrateful bitch to share. I was so happy in PE just because I ran 34 pacers. 34!! New record!! Me and my silly little achievements. Must've been the caffeine. Lunch was typical, Interact meeting and T-shirt-receiving, though Mina had a little sniffle/allergy/whatever that was poorly-received by many. Interact is disorganized; honestly, if I hadn't paid I would quit on the spot. World history was funny. Whoever's group did Africa "accidentally" made the talking peanut look like it was flipping someone off. Mandy tried to fix it, but only succeeded into drawing more attention to the culprit we call our middle finger. This made me laugh uncontrollable--I don't know why. I got this weird panic-attack-frenzied-manic-thing while we were fixing our posters--minus kudos for me because, frankly, it's a creepy thing to witness. Anyway, currently listening to some soothing Frank Sinatra, with homework I'll probably not do slapped on the desk. I was watching Popworld (this British thing) and wow! The interviewers were (somewhat) assholes, but quite witty I guess. But it was funny watching still-blond and normal weight Hillary Duff get owned without knowing it, Britney Spears giving hesitant answers, Marilyn Manson returning, mastering their dry humor after threatening them last time, Jon Walker&Brendon Urie being complete assholes to Alexa Chung, and JoJo pretending a squealing guy in pink pjs is normal. Nice.

Daily Dedications:

1. Gosh. You're so un-understanding and biased it makes you seem like a bitch.

2. Why don't I get anything?

3. Slut.

4. I'm not that weird. Get to know me before judging.

4. Oi! Oi! Oi!

5. Was today and off day or what?

See! I only have 4 bad dedications! New best! Yay!

Today was one of those rare decent days, despite the recently discovered fact that someone sent a certain someone three angsty love notes in the sixth grade, using my name. It was kind of awkward when we discussed this today. I was absolutely livid. But, nevermind. Inner peace. Bliss. Omn. Close your eyes, cross your legs, chant; in left nostril, out right. Drink break. Continue.
It's weird, but you know how sometimes you see something remotely funny and you just break out into uncontrollable hysterics even though it wasn't even that funny? Well, I HATE IT when that happens. Hate. Sadly, it takes practically nothing to set me off. No kidding. It was like circa summer school, when Mrs. Morgan had this picture of male genitals. I don't remember why, but I started snickering. Then I remembered something funny that happened a long time ago, something about a hot dog and a penis, I forget, but I started laughing. And I was the only person doing so. Phillomina and Carmina were exchanging looks, and I bet Mrs. Morgan was thinking, "You're a freshman now! Be more mature!" But the thing is, I wasn't even laughing at the male testes anymore! The irony! Aha. See, I'm cracking up even as I type this. There's no hope for me. Laugh. On the bright side, it doesn't take much to cheer me up. On the other bright side, I can amuse myself easily, so no worries on me being bored.
French was coolish today, despite me stuttering Chicago's weathers and seasons in broken French, and the Scapin preview was funny so I'll probably go see it. English went by suprisingly quickly, if you could call it fast. And video production was actually okay today, even though I smashed my finger trying to retrieve my bag of Sunchips (a prop) from the stupid, vending machine. I did get it out in the end, and enjoyed its cheesy goodness with Wynnie in case anyone was wondering. (I doubt)

Daily Dedications:

1. Even though I know I of all people shouldn't be talking, but the past is the past. I know you think of me as a weirdo, whatever, but let's just forget this all.

2. I don't know, but my senses tell me that something unpleasent is going to happen at Millie's tommorow. If I go that is.

3. Why do I also feel like I'm after everything else?

4. Geez. Chill. Breathe. If you keep it like this, people are seriously going to think your homosexual. Or just waaay to clingy.

5. Do I really have to bleach my hair first? It's just one little chunk!

I gave myself a trim over the weekend. I think I mentioned it in my previous post. I forget. No one really noticed but Tricia. Is that good? Or bad? Heh. I don't know. Anyway, I wish I had a threadbare blazer. I would wear it over everything. With those lovely wingtip oxfords I'll probably never find. If I chop my hair off and stuff a pair of socks down my pants, then I'll practically be a man. Oi.

No school today, due to bad air quality and fear of the wildfire spreading. I would be thrilled if it weren't for that naggy feeling in the back of my head, the little voice that goes, "You shouldn't be basking in the sadness of all those homeless people and stressful insurance companies and tired firefighters." But, as the proverb goes someone's happiness depends on others misery. At least I think it's a proverb. Anyway, thanks to complusive eating, I have gained about 5 pounds and I don't think I'm going to lose all that weight anytime soon. I feel so sick. And my sister gaves me some of this shrimp alfredo pasta and its tasted exactly like nasty airplane food. I ate like one bite and pushed it away; I feel like puking, and the smell itself is making me naseous. Everything makes me naseous. Ugh. On the other news, I was feel a bit blue so I gave myself a trim. I really need to stop messing with my hair. So now I look like a little chink girl. All I need is some knee-socks and little plaid skirt. I think I have homework to finish, but I don't really feel like doing it so whatever. I wish I could be like those teenage protegees and leave school and be whisked off to stardom. Sadly, that isn't the case and I'm stuck at home, reading Survivor for fun, with bad grades my parents will explode over. Hahaha.

It's bizarre how ironic life can be. So we were at Pomona's Red Cross, dividing mini shampoos and toothpaste into neat little piles for Care Packages for fire victims when poof! Wildfires. One second we're crooning over paper cup handles and listening to Hot and Cold, and the next, we're outside watching a ring of smoke become bigger and bigger off the distance. I guess those Care Packages will be put to good use after all. Advice: When you're feeling jittery and you're leg can stop bouncing, take a swig of juice because that's the only nonalcholic drink you have at home. If you feel like you can't breathe take another swig. If you feel like your being smothered by all of this, take another. Repeat until the carton's empty. Then switch to chocolate. I bought a hunk of Belgian chocolate bigger than my head two days ago and it's already mostly gone. I've eaten so much I feel disgusted and bloated, just like the sky. The perfect portrait of Hades' dream bachelor pad. One more piece and I might actually puke. Compulsive-eating. The compulsion anorexics would hate to have. The compulsion that keeps bulimic treatment centers in business. I can't stand watching Fox 11 and having my family cluck over it all, oh what beautiful houses they were, how new. Oh, the fire is so big, oh Yorba Linda was such a lovely place, oh this is bad. Shut up. Fucking shut up. I know. I'm on the edge right now. Everything's ticking me off. I feel like one of those bungalows: I'm going to blow up any second. Everything but the music is too loud, jarring and sharp, each sound driving me crazier and crazier. Their voices: twangy, sympathetic, brassy: loud. The sound of the TV. The slamming doors. The chairs screeching along the floorboards. Shut up. Be quiet. Four words to describe fire: dangerous, alluring, compelling. How about the sky right now? The disgusting portrait of smothering gray blackness that used to be California's treasure of golden-blue. The clouds? The pearly white fluffs that used to look like carnations? They've decided now might be a good time to scatter. The only things keeping me sane: blogging and music and Listerine. Take a breath. Exhale. Feel the cool rush of spearmint through your nostrils. Be grateful. And open a new carton of juice and take a swig.

I wish my life was more organized. But, no, it's just a big, tangled mess that attacks me everytime I try to press it into the nice little agenda it's supposed to be. I have a geometry test tommorow and I think I'm going to fail it. I don't understand this chapter. Too much triangles and medians and crap. I know this is mean, but I'm hoping Ms. White's little bout of the flu/cold/whatever stays long enough for me to study for that stupid compare&contrast essay. Hopefully, she decides to stay home tommorow. Pray. Ughh...I'm so screwed for the math test tommorow. How on earth do you study for math?
Current music: Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa- a nice, light, breezy sort of beach song
Attention: Yuh. I don't really know...nice beat? My tables have turned?
Mad as Rabbits: I am going crazy. Loony. Batty. Fucked up.
Anyway, I just noticed the stupid/crazy things I imagine/think of/do to amuse myself. I'm such an idiot. Yuh. Hopefully no essay tommorow...and hopefully math is easy...

Jealousy is a sin. Acedia is for people with too much time on their hands. Anger is for shallow little cheeseballs who need to grow up. Overindulgence (known as gluttony to my Catholic friends) is like having an excess tub of I'm-such-a-fucking-bastard-but-I-don't-even-know-it strapped to your waist. Sad thing is that I'm guilty of doing all of those things. Oi.
Today was okay. Carmina had Halo-Halo, so I spent lunch being a nomad with Kyra, traveling from the art room to the vending machines to the library. Good exercise. Very healthy. I have a sudden urge to paint my cousin's Barbies in Day-Glo. But I think I'd get in trouble for turning Tea Party Barbie into a paint-covered nudist getting reading to take a spin in the World Naked Bike Ride. English went by fast for once. I did bad on the math benchmark, like I knew I would. Funny thing was that apparently this was "one of the easiest tests" according to the people in my class. I'm too busy doodling to pay attention in French. Must buckle down. I used my crisp new five today. I'm sad, but I asked Ms. Jacqout to hold it so I could exchange it back later. She gave me a funny look, but agreed to. We have to run the mile for PE tomorrow. I hear it's going to be hot. This may be my last blog. I spent half of fifth period looking for Tricia, Wynnie, and Jason. I must've looked like a total spaz. Johannsen was boring. Nothing happened because we spent most of the time finishing up our own little projects. That's the world today. Selfish. I like Lanny's Chinatown scarf. Next thing you know, cool little shops are going to open up there because of the cheap rent. I wish. Cross my fingers and hope. That's what happened to the Meatpackaging District, so you never know... It's funny how they can turn an old meathouse into a high-end fashion place but they can't afford to fix up a crappy little park so little kids won't have to risk their lives just to zip down a slide. Capitalism.
After I post this, I am going to curl up with my book and some cold rice because that's the only thing I have to eat. Homework can wait. School is dreadfully boring. I am such a nerd. Any good reads?

I am going to die.

Thanks to another bout of prolonged, I have to take that nasty Chinese medicine again. IT IS THE NASTIEST SHIT ANYONE HAS TASTED IN THEIR LIVES. It’s like brown and sludgy and frothy and frankly, it looks like a dog with diarrhea shitted in a cup. Even the smell—the mere thought of it—makes my stomach churn. The last few times I drank it I puked in my mouth (and sometimes out) and I had to eat like 34567 candies afterwards. Well, I’m all out of candy. I should finish up my will.

so bored...

Due to the fact that I am stuck at home with a fucked up computer and the dimpled ball of energy called my cousin, I've been looking up at a list of phobias and fuck, I have like 10+ phobias. And I'm only on D. I suck at life.

dADS
Fuck. I am so pissed. I had this blog that I wrote but thanks to the freaking Internet blogspot erased my entire post and replaced it with dADS. Joy. Anyway, right now, despite what the time says it is 8:41p.m. and by 9:00 I will probably already be attempting suicide for the umpteenth time. Just kidding. But seriously, it seems like everyone in the family is driving me insane. My sister hogs the computer and only lets me use it when JavaScript is fucked up or whatever, so I spend most of my time trying to fix it/being stuck with Wikipedia/taking lame quizzes on Quizzilla. And then now that I finally get to use it, my deranged mother is yelling at me about how I'm exceeding my time limit on the computer. Then, as I try to point out I've only been on for fifteen minutes she goes, "Oh. It's such a coincidence that you always use the computer when I come home." That woman needs to get her eyes checked, because about 60% of the time she gets home my sister is on the computer but does the deranged woman say anything? No. And anyway, when she got home she saw me sitting in front of the TV finishing Speak and then starting on Diary. And then I took a shower, which took long because I was playing around with costume makeup and got an excess amount of cold cream into my eyes. So now my eyes are swollen and red. Furthermore, nothing is really working at the moment so I can't even drone myself out with music. My mother is probably one of the few moms in the world that would yell at their kid for reading. Apparently, I've been reading to much and my sister too little. Parents just want an excuse to yell at someone after a bad day at work. My mom chooses to take it out on me. Anyways, these four days just really went by. I'm so sad. Nothing I love more than mooching around daydreaming. I hate coming back to reality. I just hope I don't end up like Misty from Diary with my way of thinking. I saw these really cool necklaces online. Maybe I'll buy one. But, because they're handcrafted they're charging a lot for slabs of baked plastic and sterling silver. I wonder if one of those people will take me in as an apprentice or something. I watched Paris Hilton: My New BFF and that show makes me laugh. Those people practically worship her and Paris always looks stoned or under the influence. Disgusting. I want a paisley scarf, but those are pretty expensives. I saw a pair of laced loafers that kind of looked like those oxfords I wanted and it was only $25, and I was so happy but then it turns out they sold it and the site only had one pair because it was "vintage". I hope that stupid cow who snagged those shoes are happy with it.

I have to say, baroque pop-turned-classical is catchy crap. Some songs sound kind of weird but others are just simply extraordinaire. Today was a weird day. I have the fingers of a coal mine worker right now: they're still dusty from the newspaper sorting despite heavy scrubbing and with bright red Hot Cheetos smudges. Is it just me or do you get annoyed whenever someone purposely raises their voice when they start talking about you and how you're like a man? I have a stupid ISN check tommorow, which'll drag my grade down even more because I lost everything in it. And I have a stupid math benchmark. School is so depressing. Anyway, if I ever become an interior designer (which I really doubt) I'm want to make these light up cubes people can sit on. Won't it be cool if you're just strolling along at night, and then you see these solar-powered cubes on someone's porch, lighting up this person's butt? I would love that. I just hope no one designed those yet. Fingers-crossed. Anyway, right now I really a pair of colorful pointy-toed derbys/oxfords/wingtips. I saw these somewhere on Youtube but I forgot which video it was in. I'm so sad. I hate my neck. It's so long and gangly. It looks like I have an adam's apple. Maybe I should start wearing scarves daily to hide it. We finished The Mission. It was so sad. Much more touching than Rachel's Challenge.

Daily Dedications:
1. Thanks for leaving me on AIM. Sleep well, cause you're going to be dead by third period tommorow.
2. Currently, you are doing so well of making feel so worthless and pathetic it's funny. Maybe I should present you with an award or something.
3. There's a wall nowadays. But, unlike the one in Berlin, I'm not sure if this wall will fall in the meantime.
4. We were getting to know each other so well...and now it's over. Already.
5. You're not the only one that feels like that. I know how you feel. More than you know it.
6. It's funny how I thought you used to hate me and now you're one of the closest people in my life.
7. You're one happy hippo.
8. Have a little faith in them. And when you lose faith, put it to good use on other people. Like me. Have some faith in my light up cube idea.
The string music is making me emotional, but I like it. So calming. So mellow. Maybe I'll put some Enya on later and inhale incense while beating on a drum. Well...never mind. I changed the music. This song reminds me of Lena Lingard. From My Antonia? It's funny when musicians change their style: sometimes it's plain annoying, sometimes it sounds better, and other times you just can't really decide which style you like better.

Today was surprisingly decent. Not amazing, but, still. Good enough. I should count my blessings. I hate extended block fifth period. But I loved the movie we're watching in World History. (Come to think of it, I loved every movie I've watched at school.) I love Jeremy Irons! His birthday is one day away from mine! Those were the days when he was still a hottie....Anyway, I was just fooling with Youtube, which is practically my new pastime and I stumbled onto these hilarious videos. One was this girl just freaking out on the new upcoming Twilight. Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFG9lXc2upQ The girl sounds like a monkey crawled up her ass. It is hilarious. Makes me feel sorry for all the Twilight fans out there. See why I'm not a fan of those books? Do I seriously want to turn into that? Hehe. Another thing was this video that has now been deleted but whatever. It features this "hot" musician who talks to the audience members at breaks. Some girl shouted, "Fuck me!" or something along the lines of that and guess what he said? He said, "Talk to me after the show... just kidding. I can't do that. How old are you anyway? Talk to me when you turn eighteen." Ahaha. That girl's probably off buying birth control and condoms right now. I wish I could learn how to put on costume makeup. It'd be so much fun. Anyway, I find it weird how everyone portrays me in such different lights. Which light do you portray me in? If ever learn the art of costume makeup, I'll make up my face in every light some kooky koala portrayed me in. That'll take forever. I'm going to wrap this blog up and I feel very touched of those who read my mindless drabbles. You guy[s] are some beautiful begonias. :]

1. Happy birthday. Best wishes to you. May I suggest listening to some Vampire Weekend or a movie night with some friends? Wait until you turn sixteen before cracking open the vodka. Be a good kid. Unlike some I know *cough, cough Carmina:]
2. Something tells me there's a boy on your mind.
3. I've been spazzing like crazy. I know. No need for that look.
4. Don't you trust me anymore?
5. Am I that ditzy?
6. Sorry. But you're pissing me off. It's embarrassing to be around you.
7. Geez. Stick a fucking knife down my throat while you're at it.
8. You're one super sardine.

I FORGOT ABOUT THE ELECTIONS!

Ohmyfuckinggawd! I forgot about the freaking presidential elections! Well, Obama won. Can't say I'm surprised. It seemed like every college student I know was voting for him. And just like the whole going-green, fro yo-and-smoothie thing, it kinda became a trend for our generation to support him. I mean, practically every band we knew wore Support-Obama tees and, even in the 2008 VMAs, the host made it blatantly obvious he was an Obama supporter. But, it makes me wonder if McCain hadn't ran with frickin Sarah Palin, would he have had a better shot? I mean, Ms. Alaska-beauty-queen-becomes-Ms-VP-of-America? Yeah, she was a former beauty queen; she'll be able to lead America out of the recession with her dazzling smile and sparkling tiara. (Let the sarcasm drip)Anyway, I'm happy that Obama won, I guess, though Ron Paul will forever be in my heart (Ron Paul forever, Mina!) I just hope Obama can walk-the-walk as much as he can talk-the-talk. Keep your fingers crossed. Wow. Three blogs in one day. New record.

Random Rant #1

Well, I'm not really a big fan of spending money on CDs when you can listen to music for free online, but oi! I reaaally want to get these CDs. Two of them I think I can find online and force someone to download it for me, but there's like two where I'm 98% sure I won't find on Limewire. I'm so sad. And the string music isn't helping.

Anyway, don't you just hate it when you're trying to listen to some music on Youtube and then the person just has to put these freaking promiscuous/weird/camera whore pictures on it? I mean, yes, I know you think that insert-flamboyant-male's-name is godly or gorgeous or whatever, but honestly, what am I supposed to do when my mom or grandparents walk over and see these four guys draped over each other in a heap of frilly clothes and makeup? Okay. Random rant over.

(BTW, my little cousin is so cute. My mom and I were talking about teeth, when I suddenly said, "My eyes feel so puffy today." [in Chinese]. And then my baby cousin pulled open my mom's eyelids and shouted, "Little eyes" in broken English. It was soooo funny. I don't even know why. My mom's eyes aren't even that small.)

Current music:
Sugar We're Going Down String Edition: I really like this piece. The strings make it seems like those songs that plays in movies once the girl steps out of the train station and looks around, thinking about the relationship she left behind.

Mr. Brightside: Reminds me why I used to like this song. I wonder how covers for Cobra Starship would sound. Ha.

The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage string edition. Better than the original. Well, in my opinion. Ha, I bet those Hollister-bag-toting sixth graders don't listen to the classical outtakes. (1. They probably don't even know classical editions exist. 2. I bet the violinists/violists/bassists/cellists aren't "gorgeous" enough for them. I've been in orchestra. Trust me, you'll have better luck finding better guys on the streets) Take that you little skank whores. :] It's weird but I'm like in love with practically ever patd strings-edition song. eesh. time to put my head in a bag of dead fish.
....And a bunch of other string editions of music.....just listen. Give it a try.

Lalallalla

At home, watching 2008 VMA videos, listening to music, with a piece of loose leaf paper waiting to be covered in medians and altitudes. I feel like someone from those old black-and-white movies (ignore the 20th century television set), with my glasses on, sipping cider from a faux wine glass. The only things missing are a pack of cigarettes and a clunky record player playing crackly angsty music (does panic at the disco and Christina Aguilera count?) Ahaha. Anyway, today was a completely shit day--nothing went right whatsoever. The morning before school was terrible, I was snubbed, completely ignored, and was overall deflated. English was horrible and dragged on forever as usual. French was verrrrry long. Though not too bad. Thank god Mrs. Jacqout didn't hear my profanities. Lunch was...unbearable. Stupid picture. And fifth period? Let's skip the subject entirely. I had to run the entire length of the soccer field, volleyball court, and gym, looking for someone who turned out to be about 5 steps away from me. And I forgot my cell phone and left it at school but thankfully some nice kid called me and told me he'd turn it into the office. I wish I asked him for his name. On the bright side, when I started this blog I was planning to turn this into one of those sad thingies people label as "emo". But now I feel positively giddy. I may be going insane.

Things that'll soon cause a migraine:
1. Okay. I really wanted a part in the video. A small one. But if you force me into a one second cameo which I portray a middle aged woman (um, people tell me i look like a sevie. how can i be old enough to spawn Tricia?) then forget it. I hate being stuck behind camera. Which I won't even be able to do, because they won't trust my handling. I never thought I would ever hate not doing anything.
2. Me self-pitying myself. I hate me at the moment. Someone please slap me.
3. Lack of sympathy from people. Please refer back to #2
4. School. End of story.
5. Changes. Too many changes. I hate changes. Changes take time to get used to. Bleck.
6. The way I really like panic at the disco at the moment. They always seemed a bit...flamboyant for my taste but I really like their music. Like I really liked them when they first came out but after [insert names here] started listening to them I stopped. And now I restarted. It's so upbeat even though those lyrics are meant for Edgar Allen Poe or something. Oh lord. I'm falling into the Hollister-obsessed, gum-popping sixth graders category. But I have to say, a lot of their songs are circa 40's/50's swingy, folky/angsty music. On the bright side, a lot of the best songs (minus That Green Gentleman) aren't that well known. Yay! I think I'm seriously going to buy the album. Oh no. I have it bad.
7. My lack of a close circle of close people who are close to me.
8. Me being as interesting as a piece of Wonderbread. The only thing I have going for me is my name.
9. People never bothering to listen to me. And when they finally do, they don't know what the flipping fuck I'm blabbering about.
10. My stupid, stupid dreams. They're stupid.

Daily Dedications:
1. I don't think you really like me anymore. Or you find me weird. Or just plain annoying. Or both.
2. You have too many friends. You're too popular. That's not good for a small town girl like me.
3. You seemed bored with my lackluster. I don't blame you. At least you listen.
4. You're pissing me off. I don't think you know it. You never know it. Wow. You really are there for me. You wouldn't even be there for me if I shattered my ankle and needed someone to lean on.
5. Are you honestly nice? Cause you seem like a fucking bitch to me. Hahaha.
6. You're one of the few people I can actually tolerate nowadays.

Currently sitting at home, with a pile of homework spilled in front of me waiting to be BSed in blue ink. I went to the movies yesterday night and I have to say, Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist was somewhat of a disappointment. It was cute, I guess, and the music was stellar but it wasn't the Juno-in-New York follow-up people have been raving about. I don't know. I guess I just had too high expectations. But I must admit, the guy that played Dev was pretty decent. What is with me and gay guys? Anyway, I did the two-for-one-special and watched Eagle Eye (Rosario Dawson was amazing but Billy Bob Thorton?! What were those people sniffing?! He suited the role I guess but honestly), which apparently received bad reviews, but, due to my extremely low expectations for it I actually liked it. What is wrong with me? Probably didn't hurt that Cameron Boyce was in it (Carmina, that was the little boy whose scarf I really liked). I had two coffees yesterday (you're right, Mina, It's A Grind is divine) so I went to sleep at about three a.m. and I woke up at nine-thirty and watched some Nickelodeon. What happened to Spongebob? I think the creators are running out of ideas. Sigh. I miss Nick's old shows. :[

Weekly Writings:
1. You know, I feel like you're the only person I can really actually talk to these days. Though we have such lighthearted conversations.
2. Wow. 20 hours of straight texting. You guys have such a big, tangled, mess on your hands. x]. btw, did you delete that terrible picture yet? I know I look horrifyingly hideous, but I think that's one of his best pictures (he probably camera whores himself all the time).
3. I'm mad at you. You never listen to me. Hmph.
4. Ugh. Sometimes I think flesh and blood is the only thing we have in common. And stop talking to your bf's bf at freaking 2 am！ It seems really suspicious you know.
5. You should stop being such a whiny pussy and yank that fucking pole up your ass out.
6. You're ticking me off. I know I may not be dsjfhjk like those other people but honestly, you're treating me like I'm not fucking good enough for you.
7. What? She's like your best friend. If you seriously leave her for them after she stuck with you, I'm going to knock your freaking block off.
8. Well, you've really done it. You really know how to make me feel adsjsdfh.

Done venting. Have more but I can't remember. Now it's time for me to write about a cannibal pineapple and orange. What is with the French and pineapples that look like crackwhores?

Well, it's Halloween. Wonderful day right? A day full of people wearing 2-inch skirts, wanting to be the next on the cover of Playboy, weirdos scaring the fuck out of each other, and spiked, year-old candy. What a lovely holiday. And guess how I'm spending this delightful day? While everyone else is off trick-or-treating/shrieking over bowls of popcorn at their friends house I'm sitting at home, flipping through stupid Halloween reruns, and listening to the droning of my lovely mother. How positively delightful.

In case people didn't know, I was Lois Lane. (I must have repeated that about 287477575465 times). And no, I wasn't a librarian or a teacher or whatever. (Though I do admit, it was pretty funny in French when J&J&A&me were joking about pervy librarians).. was Superman's girlfriend, those the era I represented her in was the area in which she and Clark Kent weren't currently dating. Just had to get that out.



Daily Dedications:

1. I feel like things have been a bit not as familiar with us. I hope you don't think I'm trying to replace you or anything; no you and her have distinct(ish) personalities. I don't know. You need to work out your problems, and you have your own group and friends and stuff. I really want to know what happened between you and L and W but I don't really want to ask because I don't think you're ready to discuss it.
2. You like him. You ready do. Or you're on the verge of it. Don't deny it.
3. Well, you say you don't mean it. You say you're not going to. But how will I know you won't? It's a natural human instict to do so.

mindless venting...

Wow. Did you know that one piece of meat probably contains E. Coli on it and has thousands of bacteria on it? Did you know that male cows have their freaking testies yanked off? I've made a pledge to not consume any poultry/beef related flesh for 30 days and I suggest you all to take the pledge too. Moving on.

Ugh! Today wasn't the best day ever. In French, I don't know why but I lost 2 euros for no particular reason. I wasn't even late. I don't think Madame Jacquot likes me anymore. And in 5 period, stupid freaking Kaka was asking for "help" on for his group's video. I suggested this thing and guess how he responded? With a flat "No. You just killed it." And what's more? He said, "That's reaaally stupid. And, anyway, I was talking to T and W. Not you. Why don't you go back to your angry little hole and throw some more pencils." I swear, I wanted to rip his god-forsaken balls off. If he even had any, that whiny little fucking bitch. Have you heard his voice? It sounds like he accidentally swallow a rubber ball when he was trying to practice his oral. And his face? He may think he's the next Pierce Brosnan or whatever but that face of his couldn't even make it into those shoddy, wannabe-designer hair posters with terrible models trying out their best come-hither faces. Maybe he thinks he's something but the only thing uglier and faker that his "look" is probably Tara Reid's third boob job. And you know what was worse? Thanks to being mostly woman, I started crying. Yes. CRYING. I didn't even know why. I gave Wynnie a bit of the shock---she kinda scooted away. Tricia, because she's Tricia, just continued working, though she did ask me if I was okay before doing so. Okay. Done venting. Now I want some peanut butter-and-honey pretzels. Oh wait. I'll have to give honey up too---honey bees are disappearing like crazy, in case you guys having been reading the back of honey containers. (I wouldn't expect you guys too) I guess my sister gets all the Vanilla Honey Haagen Daz ice cream now. Weep.

Current music: I've been listening to lots of Cobra Starship lately..I don't even know why really. So, Carmina, Ann, Laura.., if I start busting into Guilty Pleasure in my crackly, tuneless voice, please give me a good smack on the head. Walnut will forever be in your debt for doing so.
"It's Almost Halloween" Yes. It is almost Halloween. Hahaha. You can find the funniest videos on Youtube for this song. Hahaha. This one's from The Nightmare Before Christmas
"Skeptics and True Believers": Am I a skeptic or true believer?
"The World Has A Shine": I guess the world does have a shine...with all the pollution haze and corruptness and alcohol it has consumed.

By the way, I have this crazy idea idea in the mental institude I call my mind. But I'm not sure. It popped up when I passed a florist. I love florist shops, though I get all sneezy (like Carmina's debut as Sneezyx]) and watery-eyed. So anyway.
Oh, p.p.s: Laura I finally looked up Steven Chung. There's like 284735 Steven Chungs. I don't he's that fat college teacher or those nerdy ching-chongs...hopefully?
p.p.p.s Mina, I wish I could tell you I'm still rooting for Antelope but it's clear he won't be the first to cross. So C-Apple it is. But, if you're wondering, I'm still hoping Muffin (and Pucco, I guess) will pump it up and make a comebackBut you have to admit...C-Apple is the best looking one out of the litter. xP
p.p.p.p.s, Ann！I dont even have a little one fragment dedication! At least Mina INCLUDES me in hers. Hmmph.

Can you handle the scandal?

You know, I now remember why I don't like reading People or Internet gossip anymore. It's just so disappointing when you find out people who claim they're "just like you" getting fucked up in scandals, drugs, and booze. I want to spit on them and say, "Please don't claim you're just like the rest of us. That makes us a disgrace." It seems like the world can't handle even a little attention without overdoing it. Makes you wonder how people can be whoring themselves half naked at cameras when the world's inching closer to death daily. And I don't even know why people are willing to spend money at a time of a world-wide recession just to read about the rich&famous battling their latest coke addiction or whatever. Cross that out. Why can people like fricking Tom Cruise or whatever spend thousands of dollars on his kid's wardrobe and vintage things when people are forced to drink their own urine? How can they? I don't know how I'll be able to live with myself. I remember times when actors/musicians/whatever were transsexual whores performing for daily meals, instead of jerks clad in Bergdorf's flashing their million-dollar diamonds at the people who made them what they are. Why do actors/musicians/whatever get paid more than the writers/producer themselves? Why are we poorer than the rich&famous when they depend on our money to make a living? Why is the world so corrupted? How can people blow all of their money in one go and not feel bad? And we're not the ones who should preach about overindulgence. How can we subconsciously waste resources? Have we become too wrapped up in the unknowing bliss that we fail to acknowledge the problems that have been gnawing at the world's core from inside out? Maybe people feel that it's not their problem, and the corrupted thing we excuse as a government will eventually lead us out of the pit we've fallen in. What if they lure us to death with promises of a better life? And those who say things like, "I don't care. I'll probably be dead by then" should be shot. Has the delusion of self-indulgence suffocated the caring people the world once was? Are we all alive for the purpose of catering to our whims alone? Either way, this is going to be a tough pathway for us all. Whoa. This is much to serious for my tastes. I think I should issue a restraining orders against gossip tabloids, and racy Internet pictures. By the way, Laura, I went to Boba Cafe today. I still prefer crispier crepes, though they were tasty. And, p.s. Carmina, my "celebrity crush" on him is over. That's what? A day? New record. Now I shall be a corrupted bastard and eat my kettle corn and watch some music videos.

At the movies with people...

High School Musical 3 was suprisingly decent. The plot was a bit muddled and dry but the cool dance numbers and songs balanced it out. So it was all good. And all the guys in it were pretty good looking. On the other hand, I am so screwed: I forgot what we were even testing on for English. And I don't if we have World History homework and no one's answering me back. I really need to keep my life in track because, sadly, I don't live in East High's world and my future won't be secured by the click-clack of whoever's typing up the script. I don't know how I can keep living like this; heck, if I keep living like this my parents will probably ship me off to China where I'll become a total ching-chong. Bliss. And what's more? I furthered my debt and lost my glasses, stepped on a pin so my toe is bleeding, and hurt my back. Wonderful.

Weekly Dedications:
1. What the hell is your problem? Just since you've decided you stopped liking her doesn't mean you should act like a pissy bitch to everyone. Sometimes I wonder if your stupidity is real, which would be just plain sad, or just some pathetic act attention whores like you want. I feel like I don't even know you anymore--are you acting like this just to me or to everyone else?
2. For the love of Mike Jagger's oversized gob: what's going on? Conversation between us seem strained 2/3 of the time. It seems like you (like the rest of the world) have some type of annoyance barb thrown directly at me.
3. For you're friend, eh? Are you sure about that?
4. If you don't want to do something just tell me. I know you're trying to be polite but honest to death, it just makes you look like a pretentious bitch who's so busy wrapped up in her sham "problems" to notice everyone else is dealing with shit too.
5. You look like a slut. I don't how people think you're cute.
6. Thanks for listening. You're one special daffodil.

Sundays are so depressing. Worse than Mondays in fact, because you need to get ready for the hellhole called school. I remember those days I actually liked school--that drop on the head probably jacked my head up. Or I had waay too much sugar. Probably both.

Current music:
One of the Nights: I still like that song. Since I'm still a mess and I'm fighting to get by.
Oxford Comma: Makes me laugh. And reminds me of Sound of Music or something with the quasi-yodeling part.
Yellow Balloon: It's like being on narcotics. I bet the people who sang it were high or something. It's a mix, since the song makes you giddy and makes you say things you regret. So you pay the price afterwards. Typical.
She Doesn't Get It: Yes, Carmina, after all these years I still don't get it. Don't think I ever will.

hey lloyd...i'm ready to be heartbroken

Great song. Great song. Sounds depressing but it's so upbeat it makes you feel like you've just took one too many hits. (DJ moment) This song is dedicated to my Best Friend #1. It doesn't really mean much except I like the oldies flair to it, but you won't be heartbroken. And if you do do the unlikely, you'll have a womanizing stripper, a Democrat clone, and a better looking baller (and me!!! and Laura!!!) to fall back on. Just listen to it, kay? It makes me happy. Don't really know why. Another thing you should watch: Brendon Urie got clocked by a bottle and fainted! It was HILARIOUS! I know it's sad and you shouldn't laugh at hecklers heckling but it was SO FUNNY!!! And afterwards he stood up and yelled, " You can’t take me out! Let's see how well you guys do with my left side!" I practically pissed in my pants laughing. And then, at some other video, this guy who got so passionate he was like making out with the mike got hit and fell down the stool!! And when he became consience, he looked around and said, "Whoa. Was that a bomb?" AHAHAHAH. By the way, what happened yesterday night? Was it a dropped call or what? I didn't call you back because: 1) I could'nt get any signal (stupid, stupid AT&T) 2) My battery was dying on me. So sorry. See you at the movies?

Life doesn't...

Life doesn't get any better than this.
I am such a bipolar person it's not even funny. I scared my cousin off and now Luther, who is currently not responding to my IMs. Good call. I know I ask too much of people sometimes, but that's how I am. I don't know. Blame my astrological sign. Damn Virgos. Well, this has been a terrible week. Like there's been some good moments but pretty much my karma's been wack. Like today: lunch was a complete and utter disaster. I felt like I was an ugly Invisible Woman or something. I don't know.I got yet another F in English again, this time because of stupid ISNs. Why do we get judged for neatness? That's stupid. I don't get geometrey whatsoever, so math is bad too. And my test is next Wedsneday--the same day as my World History Test. And, when I came home, not only did my chair fall apart, but when I opened the frigde a remote fell on me and now my toe is swollen. And I found out that I can't be apart of the Monster Mash for Interact. Why do they tell you to sign up then? Eesh. That club sucks. Yup; life doesn't get better than this.

oh man....

Well, I flunked my Of Mice and Men essay. Seriously. I mean I didn't even know we were supposed to start writing until the guy in front of me asked to borrow my Wite-Out. And my stupid prompt, something about why Steinback's purpose of having women and African Americans in the novel. I'm not trying to assume here, but English teachers are constantly urging for us to "understand the metaphoric language" and "notice the symbolization" and whatnot, but are the authors really trying to propose literary shit or is it just a coincident that it's like that? I don't know. On the other hand, I am forced to be nice to Justin for 3 days because of an incident that involve him using his white jacket to mop up green tea. Joy.
Current things that might soon cause a migraine:
1. 3 people. 2 parts. Go figure.
2. Stupid, stupid, geometry. I hate math.
3. My Fs in English.
4. Stripes's problems causing problems for people who are near and dear to me.
5. Johannson's class. I always get headaches when I step near that place.
6. Stupid, stupid, stupid stalker stalking stalkee.
7. Crap with those near and dear to me. well...not really near.
8. My inability to be serious once I start blogging.
9. My mannish tendencies.

Daily Dedications:
1. The video might not have been my idea but I wrote most of the storyboard. And besides, both of you got lead roles last time. Sure you guys go, "I don't mind not being a part of it." But I don't want to be stuck on camera again. Well...you guys might take over that too. I regret being in this group.
2. Haven't been talking much lately....
3. I don't want to ask you about it, but I wish you'd remember...
4. Being near all of you make me sad. Sorry.
5. Don't think any of you guys like me much...
6. I liked it better when you annoyed me; it was fun despite all that bull I received. Because now you're just pissing the fuck out of me. I'm not that gross/unable to do anything/stupid. I don't need your fucking sympathy.
7. Whoa. Can never look at you the same.
8. Not trying to rip you off. Just...they're pretty cool in my opinion too. Hope I won't turn into an obsessed stalker.

I wish...

I wish I could have wine with my food, like le françois.

ayayayaya...

The story starts off with yesterday night...
Kahl is on the phone with her friend Rita. Nothing new. But, after thirty minutes of stimulating conversation about whatever crap teenagers talk about, things start to wither. As in awkward silences and mhmms replacing the "OMG! Are you serial? WTF?!" squeals that usually dominate their phone calls. Then Kahl, after overloading on chocolate, Pringles, and Pepsi (always a bad combo) gets all dreary and weird and falls into her LaLa Land. Which is weird, since LA is supposed to be LaLa Land. Whatever. Then, after waking up disappointed, Kahl just doesn't feel like talking to someone who has enough shit to deal with (and her mother being the naggy bitch she sometimes is) she decides it's time to say goodbye, and boils her skin with a hot shower, hoping that tomorrow would be better. Wrong.
First period...
This morning, Kahl had an English test on a book that would've been so much better if her teacher hadn't tried shoving it up the students' asses. Sad thing was that she hadn't been expecting freaking LITERARY TERMS on a book test. So she flunked it. What was worse? Her teacher decided to check their books. For credit. WTF? And, after proclaiming that she was not allowed to use her cousin's book, the teacher gave her a whopping 0 on it, saying if she somehow produced a fresh copy of the book she would give her some credit. Spending ten bucks on another copy of a book she doesn't need...AT THE TIME OF A RECESSION. People are really trying to help save the economy.
Second period...
Kahl did her homework since...forever. yay?
Third period...
Kahl didn't get in trouble. yay. but she did piss the loser sitting next to her off. Poor Justin. ah well. she learned how to have proper French pronunciation while talking, which is making sure to make your voice high near the middle of the sentence and suddenly having a baritone as it wraps up. French is mu bien. (hahaha!) Just to be obnoxious she'll talk like a French fag tommorow. Yuupppiee! (cue French accent)
Fourth period....
Kahl forgot her clothes, so two people felt sorry for her and lent her socks and shorts. Her teacher was having a good day and allowed her to wear her (actually her sister's) jacket out. But, later, Kahl felt like a bitch cause she made her partner dance in front, due to her inability to disco like a pre-old Madonna.
Lunch...
Weird. Kahl was surprised, worried, and a bit jealous/peeved. She and her friends Rita and Sal had a talk by the Wall of Nothingness, and was later met up by Rita's friend: B.She and Rita sang the end credits to The Show. She owes Rita/Sal 25cents, which adds to her debt pile. Kahl has long since forgotten how to be lavish with money.
Fifth period....
Decent. She rewrote the video story. But, of course, her mood was ruined by someone. And she felt bad for stepping on some girl's shoe. And this guy thinks she's a violent, bipolar freak who should be locked up. Joy.
Sixth period....
Her sub teacher was funny. He recited Family Guy quotes and seemed nice enough, except he gave her "the eye" for talking. She discovered the guy who sits behind her has a knack for art. Though her sub will probably make a note of her chatter and she will be killed by the teacher on Wednesday. And she is sure more than one person in all of her classes hate her.

After school, Kahl gave Rita a ride home. After a rather uncomfortable car ride (which even Kahl's mom acknowledged) she is currently at home trying not to choke on bug spray and prays she will not die before fulfilling her LV dream.

my face looks like a swollen melon...

My feelings have been a tad...bizarre lately. and my conscience Evelyn agrees. I always feel like i'm somewhere else and I get these weird surges of anger/ sadness /fghtuer at the most bizarre moments, which causes people to hate me even more. I am such a bipolar bitch. no wonder i only have like five friends in the world. these past days have just been whizzing by, and i just can't remember anything anymore, which is probably why my grades have been dropping to the speed of the fucking stock market. is it too early to apply to chick-fil-a? i don't even know what the hell is up;it's like i'm trapped in these crazy shit "dreams" of mine. oi vay. time to bring out the narcotics again. well, it seems like everyone has their own fucking problems to deal with, and i used to wonder why no one bothered telling me anything. (except for best friend #1 and bikini bear buddy). but now it doesn't really bother me anymore (thank you organic chocolate). i guess im too busy floating in my little bubble of mine to really care anymore, or i just grew up and realized that you can't change someone's feelings. and if you can, you're probably related to the portea family. I really do care for all of my friends, but seriously if you guys don't trust me enough to wait a little while, then whatever. fucking. whatever. that's right. thee carmel yang doesn't give two shits anymore. well, at least a shit about it anymore. (white chick moment) but i'm too slammed with everything lately, and there'll always be a slug of Simply Apple, a carton of ice cream, and reruns waiting for me. i know i should like one of those fucking bitches who don't deserve anyone (which i seriously don't) but that's how i feel at the particular moment. (i'll make sure to finish this before my apologetic mood kicks in). on the bright side, i'm feeling much more independent at the moment. but i also feel like a hermit cat-lady who lives in a crappy house that smells like old tuna and screams at Jerry Springer while scarfing ice cream by the Costco-tubful. (sad thing---i'm allergic to most cats. and, thank's too my aunt's friend's cat it turns out fluffy cats cause my face to swell. i'm sure Louis Prades would love to marry a bipolar bitch with a face that looks like a freaking cantalope.) this is too depressing...time to move on.

Daily Dedications:
1. i'm sure he likes you. he's just a bit shy. there's no way he'd leave you for those squinty-eyed ching-chongs who'd make a horse look hot. btw, thanks for the shirt. if i'm in desperate need of money when i grow up, and my cats need a foot transplant or whatever, i'm sure that would be my source of income.
2. so. how are things? yeah. pretty much sums up my conversation. not that you'd actually tell me anything. you'd just give me a sad look, sigh, and say things are okay. i know the drill by now.
3. glad to see that you're chasing your dreams.
4. are you guys really there for me? i know it's hard dealing with me crying but...still. even Medusa has a heart. it's petty i know, but i still want to feel loved. fuck. that was so cheesy. but, anyway, i still wish the best of you guys.
5. so things have been pretty suckish, eh? (canada moment). i know i sound like i don't care, but truthfully i just don't know how to react. i don't want to tell what to do because it's your life. i dont want to change the cosmos with my cheap, fortune-cooking advice and have you end up sad. amen, sister. (sister sledge moment). btw, sorry if you feel like i'm ripping off your music. it's just those videos really make me happy.
6. ah. i love you my adorable friend. be sure to get some sexy shots of me. :]

Everyone says that the LV dream of mine is never going to happen, but to me, it feels so tangible, like it could really happen with a little luck and ann's publication camera. i know this is stupid, but i feel like that pathetic dream of mine is the only thing holding me up, because i know my other dreams won't ever come true unless karma decides to give me a shot of luck. well...
BTW, anyone have a high-waist skirt? i need it for my L.L. costume.
P.S HAPPY BIRTHDAY ARTHUR! SORRY FOR EATING THE TIRAMISU!

Current music:
"The Show" Lenka. I love that Australian singer. that songs reminds me of me currently. i wish i had a hot nerd and my food would cut itself up.
"One of those nights" The Cab. I loooooove Best Friend #1 for showing me that band. sorry everyone knows about them. you were one of the firsts. but i am such a mess right now, it's not even funny. well...it kinda is. especially how i love yogurt and yet it causes me to gag. i'm sure Best Friend #1 knows about that. x] P.S. I'll call you later, kay? i promise. i just can't, cause i have to force myself to choke down dinner with that bloody bitch at my aunt's place and her bloody cat. (british moment) and i really have to piss. ily.<3


Later...9:20 p.m.

It's so weird...i just read this blog of this "famous" person(don't ask me how i found the webpage) and i'm a bit shocked. the person, who i will call Frances, wrote about the whole stock market crashing, wildfires, Marcia trading sex for drugs and i'm rather suprised someone who doesn't really need to worry about this actually cares. i don't know. maybe i shouldn't judge people so quickly.

hmm...

i think my karma is starting to turn for the better—i've actually been having a good week. well, friend wise, not school wise. funny how it's always either or. mind, it's only tuesday so i hope i'm not jinxing anything. but i finally did what i've been planning to do all month—i just hope the thing doesn't backfire. if it does Clyde would murder me, though im only trying to help. Oy vai! on the other hand, i've been catching up on my favorite cartoons, so i'll probably be much more mellow tomorrow. though i bet i'll piss Best Friend #1 and Bikini Bear Buddy off with my complaints on lack of character development. i probably should start on my apology letters. well, i guess i should move along to Daily Dedications:

I heart you but...1. well, so though you don't know that i know, you think our group's been drifting. i can hardly disagree with that. the thing is, i know you care, especially for Bebe and Red, but do you really care about our friendship? maybe you care now, but i guarantee that you will, sooner or later. will you really let an insignificant sorta-close friend drag your life down? i really think not.
2. i can't believe it! just because you're in a rocky relationship right now, you should still have some compassion. i know im taking this too far but im in a mood. im allowed to have my eccentricities.
3. Best Friend #1 i'm worried. it's nine months tommorow, eh? ill pray to a relic/buddha statue for you. on the bright side, we've been having good weeks:] your outfit will probably be like Walnut-style Gossip Girl/Secret Life.

whinings of a hormonal girl

i just don't understand anything anymore. really. i feel like everythings going by in a blur and i'm just caught in the action. (wow. total Slow Me Down moment there). everyone's just so busy with their things and it seems like no one has the time to just sit down and laugh. and thanks to Mother Nature, i am currently now a hormonal, deranged woman who yells at anything that moves. joy. ugh. high school sucks. let's move on to Daily Dedications (kudos to Best Friend #1's Dear Yous--sorry for the cheesy rip-off)



Daily Dedications:

Thank Yous!: 1. Thanks for being there for me all the time. i know it may get annoying to listen to my complaints all the time, but you still do. at least half of the time. so thanks.

2. Sorry for spilling your secret crush out. blame my big mouth. but thanks for being there. you're like the only person that actually jokes around anymore.

Stop before I kill yous!: 1. Can you just tone it down a bit? It's seriously getting annoying. And pathetic. Honestly, just grow up. sorry. that was mean. you have your mature moments. just....

2. It's over. It really is. Our BFF-ness i mean. i just can't keep up with it. don't get me wrong, i don't want to be a prima donna bitch and declare our friendship over, it's just that it's really hard for me. i want you guys to know i'll always care about you, but now's just not the time.

3. Darling, are you okay? It's really worrying me. I don't know what to do--and i usually know what to do. im trying to give you space now--don't take it as though i don't care, i'm just worried i might do the wrong thing and screw everything up.